I could make wine with my vomit
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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