I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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