I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
