i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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