It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
