I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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