My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
4 words: hood of his car
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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