both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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