I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
