trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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