He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
