Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
