i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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