Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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