If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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