I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
