What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
