He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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