I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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