cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
whose parrot is this?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
