When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
