There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
