The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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