Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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