so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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