im about as happy as oj after his trial
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
