I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
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So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
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No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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