I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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