what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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