Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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