You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
