I CAN MOONWALK!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
