You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
