In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
