Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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