I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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