everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
