It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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