if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
