I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
