Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
