i don't like sucking hair
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
