I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
