He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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