I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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