my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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