There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i think my cat just said my name.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
