I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
