Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
