FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
