I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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