In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
