in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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