You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize