There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
