they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
