Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
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Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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