Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
