We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
