I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
