i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
