I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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