I think scott just propositioned me for sex
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
