Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
